Heart & Soul

Amicable schmamicable. Love hurts and breakups can be excruciating. But they don’t always have to end in Facebook status wars and restraining orders. We asked a trio of experts (not the life coach/prescription drug kind, but the get-a-grip kind) to weigh in on the dos and don’ts of walking out the front door. JJ Smith is the author of Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating and the host of Internet radio show “Real Talk with JJ and The Fellas” (jjsmithonline.com). Zachary Davis and Okeeba are co-authors of the tough-love relationship how-to, Roses and Brass Knuckles: A Man’s Pocket Guide to Winning the Dating and Marriage Game. Here’s how they see it:

Davis: It is possible, but it turns problematic if the two cannot be “just friends.” It’s hard to be apart mentally if you are still together physically. Most men are going to want to be “friends with benefits,” and we really don’t take it well when we find out someone else is reaping those same “benefits.”

Okeeba: Leave it behind and move on. If you keep that “friend” door open, it will eventually slam shut on your neck.

Smith: “Friends” after a breakup? Yes! “Friends with benefits” after a breakup? No! Most men looking to establish a meaningful relationship are not going to want to deal with a woman who is still sleeping with her ex. Plus, if you still have unresolved feelings for your ex, you shouldn’t rush into a new relationship anyway.

Davis: If I can date your girl after we break up. Hey, we can double date—it’s perfect; everyone already knows each other! Seriously, it depends on how long after the breakup; an ex’s friend should never be a rebound.

Okeeba: Bad move. Besides, if your ex is cool with that, then you weren’t special to him. You were just a jump-off. Not a good look.

Smith: Yes, you can “date” his boy, but don’t expect a “relationship” with his boy. It is very difficult for a man to accept the fact that “his lady” has also slept with one of his friends. If you want to casually date his boy, you can, but that relationship should be viewed as friendly, with no real chance of long-term success.

Davis: The bags and the gifts are yours to keep. Now, a ring is more of a promise … a promise to get married, almost like collateral until the wedding. So if you aren’t getting married you shouldn’t keep the ring; it’s not a severance payment because you didn’t make the merger. Men and women need to remember, though, when you give a gift, you shouldn’t expect it back.

Okeeba: Keep them. It’s pretty foolish to give material things back. Just move on and close that door.

Smith: The ring is to be returned. The bags and gifts are to be enjoyed! Gifts and jewelry that you received during the relationship are yours to keep and enjoy since they were given to you in the spirit of love or for the celebration of a birthday or holiday. However, the woman should always offer to return an engagement ring. The ring is a symbol of an engagement or marriage to a man, and when that is no longer your status, the ring is no longer worn, and thus, should be returned.