Heart & Soul

While some folks swear that casual sex is the road to ruin, others have got nothing but love for the “hook up.” In fact, urbandictionary.com boasts a whopping 24 definitions for the term. Here’s #5: “Hooking up has come to define sexual relationships for most of today’s teens and young women. It can mean anything from kissing and touching to oral sex or intercourse. Vagueness is its hallmark.”

So with so many folks skipping ahead to a hook up, has courting gone the way of Afros and bell-bottoms? Maybe so, says marriage and family therapist Diana Little.

“With the Internet, the accessibility of dating and of potential partners is so saturated,” she suggests. “People think the next best thing is around corner.” Little, whose Mindful Healing practice is based in the Los Angeles area, asserts that with so many options, people tend to keep their connections loose, in case a better offer comes along. Or perhaps they’re simply savoring the buffet of romantic possibilities.

Little tries not to be too much of a finger-wagger about it, yet she suspects that many members of the new generation may ultimately find that when they substitute the slower, getting-to-know-you process with full-on, instant communication, that the skipped steps can actually set you back. “Who really wants to be on call 24/7 and respond to text messages all day long?” she asks.

If you find yourself feeling texted to death or tapped out on tweeting, she suggests that you set limits. Or if you find the new-fangled forms of romantic communication leave you on “E,” it may be worth infusing some old into the new. Even for the Facebook-Twitter-LinkedIn crowd, Little says being in touch all the time with a potential honey can make even the steamiest relationships cool quickly.

If you’re plugged into another person all the time, she says, there’s no mystery, there’s no space for feelings to grow. It nice to wonder what the other person is doing and then call to find out, she says.

“If you do choose to court” in this day and age, “you may have to make it more of a conscious tactic,” she suggests. For instance, if you’ve got someone who only texts you, you may have to retrain him. You can say, “Texting is cool, but I’d really like if you’d call me when you have a moment to talk.” And then don’t stay on the phone for hours and hours. Keep it brief and steer it toward a face-to-face connection, Little says. “It’s been great talking to you,” you might say, “I’m available to meet up for coffee or a drink some time.” Then see if that person can take it to the next level.

Unfortunately, some people who can bring it online fizzle in person. Either they can’t establish a close bond, or they can’t sustain one. If you find that someone can’t make the transition from virtual to real, “don’t waste your time,” Little says. But in the end, whether you hook up, court or do a blend of both, go for what feels right to you. Although you have to admit that Afros and bell-bottoms keep coming back around every once in a while for a reason.