Witnessing the breakdown of relationships in the Black community, Bartell Keithle decided to start a revolution by encouraging people to stop having sex. The “Booty Boycott” encourages men and women to refocus their energy on the weekend from the bedroom to self improvement and enjoying the getting-to-know-you phase of dating. See what sparked this unique campaign and how it can change your life.

Heart & Soul: What motivated you to start the Booty Boycott?
Bartell Keithle: It was a combination of life experience and my observations of women and men. For three years I had been holding a mentoring program where I witnessed men ages 25 to 32 agree on the idea of avoiding sexual activity over the weekends so that they could complete their five-year plans. These men became noticeably productive as they entered long-term employment while increasing self-esteem and in some cases managed to remain abstinent until marriage.

H & S: How have your personal relationships influenced your decision?
Keithle: Around the age of 23, I realized that I missed out on some great friendships, only acquired from dating, as casual sex and promiscuity makes things complicated. It can also lower the self-esteem for both the man and the woman. In my travels throughout the world, I found that some cultures view that a weak man does not deserve to be married or have children. The community had a system in place to make sure that most men knew how to treat all people with respect, work well with his hands and his mind, and most importantly show leadership.

When does the booty boycott start and end?
The Booty Boycott starts and stops for the individual as they work on new goals. I recommend a person continues until they have addressed every problem area in their life. As a collective, this Boycott must not stop, it must become a tool to pass on. People may want to Booty Boycott as they attempt to move mountains. “No sex the weekends boo, I am trying to change my life.” The Booty Boycott is a lifestyle change, so it generally takes time to create new habits. For some the new habit is learning to love themselves and feeling focused. Other people have to get organized. If you slip up, you have to get right back on and not be discouraged from guilt.

Is the boycott for those in relationships as well?
Couples will enjoy the benefits of the Booty Boycott because two people are witnessing change in each other, and the relationship becomes based on values. This will bring about deeper intimacy because people want what they can’t have.

What do you hope to achieve from this campaign?
To start, I want the Booty Boycott to encourage dating. People can look forward to meeting your date’s friends, dating in groups, going to more places, self-discipline, learning how to kiss again, PATIENCE, no-guilt, and getting to see yourself at your best! I hope women and men change the standards that they set for the people that they date. It has to be painful living in relationships that do not bring you joy, so end it!

And what do you see as its long-term impact?
In the long run, I hope to see a community where men desire to live for something great and know how to express themselves. That men will not tolerate weakness from themselves or their brothers. Where women will unite their power and set a new tone for what it takes to get her time. Where women will expect nothing less from me other than character, a plan for my life, genuine concern for the woman and her family. That communities help young men and women to embrace the value of marriage and parenthood at an early age.

For additional information, visit bootyboycott.org

What do you think of the Booty Boycott and will you join? Share your thoughts below.

Booty Boycott Comes to Black Community is a post from: Heart & Soul

The b-word has been circulating around my house off and on for several years, but it’s getting a little louder now and I am forced to address it.

In my mind, my girls are too young (15 and 12) to be thinking about the b-word. I didn’t even want to hear it at one point because the very thought scared me so bad.  I had decided that the b-word would not be discussed until at least junior year of high school.

Silly me.

Happily, I remember how much I tossed around “boyfriend” during my teen years -  if not before.  It just meant someone to talk about with my girlfriends and dream about when I got bored. It meant someone’s name to draw on my noteboo (with a heart around it, of course).  Later on, it meant someone to call me on the phone, carry my books and walk me to class.

I’m realizing that I don’t need to be afraid of the b-word because it’s not nearly as threatening as it sounds. My daughters oogle over celebrity boys — just like I did.  They blush when they see a cute boy in the store — just like I did. And they have pretend-boyfriends — just like I did.

By the time I had a real-life boyfriend, I was ready for him. And all the stuff my parents taught me about appropriate behavior actually stuck. That’s not to say I didn’t make mistakes along the way.  But in hindsight, the boyfriend-thing really wasn’t a big deal.  There was a time where talking about having a boyfriend was more fun than actually having one.

So I’m not afraid of the b-word anymore. When my daughters start talking about boyfriends, it’s an opportunity to discuss a range of topics relating to boys, relationships and more. I understand that the b-word eventually will gain significance and I want my girls to be ready.

I recall having so many questions and misconceptions,  but feeling like I couldn’t really ask my parents. I’m going to spare my daughters from that feeling.  When the b-word arises, it’s a great time to talk.  It’s more teachable moments.

And that’s exactly what I want.

Vanessa W. Snyder a writer, National Board-certified teacher and the mother of two daughters in Washington, D.C. The author of a new novel, “The Second First Lady,” and co-author of two titles in the “50 Ways to Christ” series, she can be reached at vanessa@blackdoorventures.com.

Embracing The ‘B-Word’ is a post from: Heart & Soul

If you want to avoid drama later, teach your children to do chores and demand consistency early. I didn’t do that and now I’m having a hard time getting them to comply.

I’m not sure what I was thinking by not insisting that my girls do chores regularly over the years. Sure, they’ve done them here and there, but never as part of an established routine.  Maybe it’s because I love to cook and enjoy being in the kitchen doing the mommy/wife thing.  Who knows?

The problem is, they’re likely to be in a dormitory a few years from now and might be ill-prepared to meet their domestic needs. So now I’m on the fast-track with them.   We’re following a schedule for cleaning the kitchen, as well as the bathroom and bedroom. It’s not easy because I never insisted that they do so on a consistent basis.

Consistency is one of those parenting terms that ‘s tough sometimes.  However, if you’re like me and you’re a little late in implementing chore requirements, don’t give up.  Remember, they’re still living in your house! Here are my best tips:

– Put chores in writing and hang them in a prominent place.

– Take time to discuss the importance of chores (the earlier you start, the less conversation).

– Create a rubric for your expectations so there’s no confusion. You and your children probably have different standards for a “clean” kitchen.

– Model the effort you’re looking for and assist them early on. Show them what to do and how to do it.

– Reward them for outstanding work.

– Hold them accountable for substandard work. I tell my girls to go back and finish or “Call me when you think you’re done cleaning.”

– Vanessa W. Snyder is a writer, National Board-certified teacher and mother of two daughters in Washington, D.C. The author of a new novel, “The Second First Lady,” and co-author of titles in the “50 Ways to Christ” series, she can be reached at vanessa@blackdoorventures.com.

Choose early education around the house is a post from: Heart & Soul

Hope you had a great Fourth of July Weekend!

The holiday holds an extra special meaning for me, as it marks the day I first met my man five years ago. I had no idea as I listened to Biggie at a rooftop BBQ in Brooklyn, that I was meeting the guy I now look forward to one day asking me to be his wife.

But, I would probably say no if I got anything like the shady proposals circulating on these internets. First up was a very public proposal at a party. In front of the crowd, the would-be-groom has a Ruben Studdard-esque singer serenade his lady. As she looks on with wide eyes and no smile,  he gives this speech.

“I love you so much. You are the woman I need. You are the woman I want. You are the woman I have to have. I can’t go back in time to change anything that I have done. But I know for a fact that I don’t want to wake up another day without you by my side.”

Then he drops to his knee. The crowd goes wild.  He asks her to marry him. Someone yells don’t embarrass him. She pushes the ring box away and tells him to get up. Women yell they will take it.  We read her lips: “You can’t fix it.”

It’s obvious he has messed up in a major way and thinks this grand standing apology will indeed fix it. If three sentences into asking me to be your wife alludes to craziness in the not-so-distant past, we have a lot more to talk about than peonies and place cards. The problem is you can’t combine the needed repair to a broken relationship by asking for a lifelong commitment – and joining my credit. How can I pledge forever if I’m not sure about tomorrow?

The Almost Proposal:

My guy friend who posted the video says she should have said yes to not embarrass him. That would have been the easy way out to ignore the obvious obstacles to this fragile relationship for a flashy ring. And also sending the message to more guys that the road to redemption is an apology and dangling of a diamond.

Well, maybe so according to Jennifer Hudson’s new music video.

J. Hud’s “No One Gonna Love You”:

A toned and gyrating Jennifer Hudson wakes up to her sexy man and has to remind him it’s their anniversary. He leaves and she cleans up his clothes off the floor and pizza box left around. She then gets dressed up and heads to the restaurant for dinner. Just as she is about to get out of her car, he calls to cancel. She goes home livid and opens the door to him with balloons and a romantic surprise. He pulls her angry self into a hug and slips the ring on her finger. My girlfriend and Jennifer found it romantic. I wasn’t so convinced and saw a lifetime of cleaning flash before her eyes.

Would you say yes to these proposals?

Lovestruck: Beware of the Apology-Proposal is a post from: Heart & Soul

I’m grateful and humble that my daughters enjoy reading. However, there are times when I fear the computer and other technology might be hampering  their interest in reading. Since I’m a teacher and since it’s summer I’m really concerned about the amount of time they spend reading.

Weak reading skills can result in a lack of comprehension, critical thinking, fluency and vocabulary.  Furthermore,  the learning and knowledge that is lost over the summer is well documented.  Teachers and parents lament this issue every year. Reading can go a long way in minimizing this loss of learning.

Summer is the perfect time to focus on reading, which really spans all subject areas. Students love to say how much they hate to read, but the reality is there are things they’ll like to read if we point them in the right direction.  Here are some tips for keeping your child reading during summer break, and all year long:

Be proactive. Don’t just tell your children to find something to read, present them with choices.  Visit the public  library and find out what’s popular among teens. Spend time researching your child’s interests. And, yes, reading magazines is okay, too.

Establish incentives. If you have a truly reluctant reader. Try offering incentives. This might be in the form of gifts, special privileges, cash, etc.

Read a book with your child. I read Twilight and hate to admit I actually enjoyed it. One benefit of reading  books with your child is that you can have  conversations together about the book. You can even do this as a family.

Search summer reading lists. Most schools or districts provide these materials, but if not, look online.

Find/form a teen book club. This can be a lot of fun if you can use a book that other teens are reading.  Meet every couple of weeks and serve snacks.  Prepare questions and try to hit all of “Blooms Taxonomy.”

Read a book online. The digital generation is more apt to read a book this way and it’s perfectly fine. If you happen to own a Kindle or another such device, then certainly use it.

Have a family reading time. This is similar to  the Drop Everything  And Read (DEAR) strategy that is popular among many educators.  A certain time every day, everyone stops and reads. There’s no reason this can’t be done at home.

Set up a special reading space. This might be a bean bag in the bedroom, a rocking chair on the porch or a comfy chair with a foot rest.

– Vanessa W. Snyder is a writer, National Board-certified teacher and mother of two daughters in Washington, D.C. The author of a new novel, “The Second First Lady,” and co-author of titles in the “50 Ways to Christ” series, she can be reached at vanessa@blackdoorventures.com.

Reading fights summer learning loss is a post from: Heart & Soul

The other day I overheard my daughters arguing about the childish behavior of one celebrity.

“Anybody can make a mistake!” one argued.

“Yeah well he’s old enough to not be having a tantrum for all the world to see,” the other retorted.

“Look I used to have tantrums…does that make me a bad person?”

“Used to?”

The conversation dissolved from there, but  you get the idea. I was about to intervene until I realized they were repeating things I’ve said to them or someone else.

Have you ever just listened to your kid and heard yourself talking? My husband used the word “idiot” once to describe the actions of another driver in traffic, and the girls couldn’t wait to come home and try it out. I can recall many statements that flew out of my daughters’ mouths after originating in mine. Some of them good and some I wish I had kept to myself.

So if you’re inclined to use curse words, don’t be surprised when yours kids use them, too. Or if you like to gossip, don’t be annoyed when your kids pick up the habit.

It’s easy to forget they’re listening and paying attention because there’s not always an outward indication. And it goes beyond gossiping and cursing. For instance, math is not my favorite subject. I have terrible memories about trying to master math concepts in school. This isn’t something I want my daughters to pick up, so I’m careful not to whine and go on about it. But it’s a challenge, especially when I see one struggle with her math.

Despite the way kids often behave and despite what they say, they watch and listen more than we think. The influence we have on them is real and not to be taken lightly.

I have to watch myself every time I make a comment about my weight, my hair or anything else for that matter. They’re listening even when I don’t  notice. They even pick up our sarcasm and try it out on us – which just isn’t pretty sometimes.

So remember the old lesson, especially when children are within earshot: Think before you speak.

– Vanessa W. Snyder is a writer, National Board-certified teacher and mother of two daughters in Washington, D.C. The author of a new novel, “The Second First Lady,” and co-author of titles in the “50 Ways to Christ” series, she can be reached at vanessa@blackdoorventures.com.

Speak carefully, your kids are listening is a post from: Heart & Soul

“Let me have a resting place, looking, looking from the edge of space.”
Essex – Gil Scott-Heron

In ancient Khemet (Kamit) as Egypt was called, there is no word for death. They referred to it as Westing or Wested. Our beloved Gil Scott-Heron has Wested.

I last saw him in ’99 at Blues Alley. My table was positioned right next to Scott-Heron’s keyboard. I had a bottle of White Star, so I sipped, swayed, and sprayed a little — I practically peed on myself because I did not want to miss a nanosecond of Scott-Heron’s performance. If you’ve ever experienced one of his cosmically stirring performances than perhaps you can dig where I’m coming from. Right on? But I digress…

Many of us are aware of Scott-Heron’s contributions to the uplift and to ‘the cause.’ Some of us even know word for word his most popular piece, “The Revolution Will Not Be Televised.”

Few may be aware that he was a novelist. Also few may be aware that he earned a master’s degree from Johns Hopkins University, and was an associate professor at the University of the District of Columbia for four years. This he told to me in a conversation between just the two of us. For you see, he was my first.

Gil Scott-Heron was the first person I ever interviewed. Ever. He consecrated my young ‘n tender mic gently, intellectually, spiritually, and oh so empowering-ly. I’ll never, never forget him, or the experience. It was everything I had hoped my first interview would be and more.

Several moons ago back in 1998, as editor of the “Verbatim” column at the now defunct BET Weekend Magazine, it was my role to get a direct quote from a person of note each month. When I asked myself “Who is the very first person I’d like to wisely use my BET calling card to chat with?” Or rather “Who lights my fire with words?” Gil Scott-Heron immediately came to mind.

We had an over-the-phone interview about public school education in America. When I made contact with him, he spoke in that distinct baritone voice and said “Hello, this is Gil.” My mind blasted off at the sound of his out-of-this world frequency. There was a deeeep vibration baby. That brother’s being truly carried a charge.

I was out of body. My soul-ahh-system was infused with Gil Scott-Heron and I had the vapors. There was a super nova. And the after glow — I can’t say much more except that when I came to, the “Verbatim” column was all done and ready to publish – Gil’s and my love child:

“I believe smaller classrooms would get more done. Teachers are given too much to handle with large classes, a lot of paper work, and a beauracracy that distracts them. Until they start putting more money in education there will not be an improvement. I’d like to see a space on tax returns giving people a choice between the Stealth Bomber, or education. Then we could see where the priorities are. ” Gil Scott-Heron

I feel an ever lasting after glow as a writer whose very first interview was with Gil Scott-Heron.

May Gil Scott-Heron’s straight forwardness and his artistry be forever remembered. May his spirit West in peace.

Dandrea V. James was born by the Hudson River in a little Harlem tent, and just like the river she’s been moving ever since…currently doing married time across from a corn field in Maryland just outside Washington, D.C. A poet, writer, and Zora Neale Hurston/Richard Wright Foundation alumni, her pride and joy is a 7 year old professor of pretend and learning.

Artwork: “Standing On the Edge,” acrylic on paper, 2000, by Dwight E. Tyler

Gil Scott-Heron Was My First is a post from: Heart & Soul

Teachers love it when parents are supportive and involved with their children’s schoolwork. It’s great to know there’s accountability and reinforcement at home because it helps us do our job. It also sends the students a message that their parents and teachers are on the same team.

But when I don my parent hat, I wonder how much support is too much. I admit I’ve gotten a little too excited about a few projects over the years, before reminding myself I’ve already been through school and it’s not MY assignment. On other occasions, I can see how much better their work would be if they just… (fill-in-the-blank). And what parent hasn’t wanted to rescue their children from a looming deadline by just finishing the work for them (hopefully, not outright doing it).

Well, switching back to my teacher hat, I can usually tell when parents have gotten a bit heavy-handed in assisting with projects or other schoolwork. It’s completely understandable – and disappointing.  Learning is a process.  A major part of the process is allowing students to create, discover and work out their difficulties – even if it results in less-than-perfect outcomes. Sometimes learning is tough and that’s okay.

I understand how parents get caught up in grades, because that’s how we measure and evaluate student achievement. We like to see A’s and B’s because they’re symbols of excellence, but learning isn’t always about the final grade. It’s also about what you learn along the way.  That usually includes organizing your time, your materials and your thoughts.

It’s tough to watch your child fail or flounder when it would be so easy for you to come in and play Supermom or Superdad. However, the lessons students gain as they work through their learning (even if it means failing at first) are invaluable.

I’ve spoken to many teachers who have tales of students suddenly becoming focused, hard workers after the shock of a poor grade.

That may be a tough pill for parents to swallow (self included), but it’s worth it.

– Vanessa W. Snyder is a writer, National Board-certified teacher and mother of two daughters in Washington, D.C. The author of a new novel, “The Second First Lady,” and co-author of titles in the “50 Ways to Christ” series, she can be reached at vanessa@blackdoorventures.com.

Don’t be afraid to let kids fail is a post from: Heart & Soul

Embolism is a major danger of pregnancy. But recent data from New York City finds black women dying from it in numbers that are startling, given the well-known interventions. A disparity in health care could be the culprit, but no one is asking.

(WOMENSENEWS)–When New York City issued data about maternal deaths over a five-year period, one culprit in particular leaped out at African American women: Embolism.

Of the 28 women who lost their lives to pregnancy-related embolism between 2001 and 2005, a glaring 82 percent were African American. Zero percent were white women, according to the city’s health department report released in June 2010.

Hispanic and Asian pregnant women also suffered higher death rates in New York City from embolisms. Pregnant Latinas accounted for 14 percent of the embolism deaths in the study. Pregnant Asian women were 4 percent, according to the report.

An embolism, which is a blockage in a blood vessel caused by a blood clot, air bubble, fatty tissue or other substance, is always a serious matter.

While no white women died of it in the New York study, blood normally flows more slowly during pregnancy, making venous thrombosis–the formation of clots inside the veins–a leading cause of pregnancy-related death.

Embolisms are dangerous because they may break free from the wall of the vein and travel to the pulmonary artery, which carries blood from the right side of the heart into the lungs. When blood clots get stuck in the pulmonary artery, they prevent blood from picking up oxygen. This is a medical emergency that causes symptoms similar to a heart attack.

Because the dangers are so well known, remedies are also well established.

“The most important issue in preventing embolisms after labor and delivery are early ambulation (walking) and use of medical compression stockings,” said Dr. Geddis Abel-bey, an obstetrician and gynecologist at the New York Hospital in Queens, N.Y. Blood-thinning medications may also be needed.

Need for Identification

Most important, women who are at risk of embolism need to be identified so that medication can be given at the right time, Abel-bey says.

But African American women in New York–and to a lesser degree Latinas and Asians in the city–don’t seem to be getting identified or treated on a par with their white counterparts.

Women’s eNews asked a number of physicians and researchers in New York why not, but no one could answer that question or explain the generally higher risks of pregnancy for black women.

In New York City, African American women die eight times more often than white women due to pregnancy-related causes. Nationwide, African American women die three to four times as often as white women from pregnancy-related causes.

Dr. Jo Ivey Boufford, president of the New York Academy of Medicine, discounted obesity, poverty and pre-existing conditions as explanations for the racial differences in New York. She emphasized that while obesity and pre-existing conditions affect overall maternal health, neither one explains the dramatic gap in the pregnancy-related risks of African American and white women. Khiara M. Bridges is an associate professor of law and anthropology at Boston University and author of a recent book on maternity care and racism at Manhattan’s largest and oldest public hospital. Without any biological or medical reason for such a wide disparity, Bridges, a former fellow with the New York-based Center for Reproductive Rights, suspects that simply being African American elevates the risks of having inadequate health care.

This story was written by Kimberly Seals Allers, Black Maternal Health Editorial Director, and originally published on Women’s eNews

Embolism Stalks Black Moms With Lethal Bias is a post from: Heart & Soul

I was scrubbing black nail polish off my 11-year-old’s fingernails when it occurred to me that parenting has its joys at every age. Turns out she had polished her fingernails just before bed time and, of course, they got smudged while in the bed. She got up (mind you, not woke up) somewhat hysterical over the idea of attending school with smudgy polish. That’s a major crisis in the sixth grade. We were out of remover so I got my nail file and went to scrubbing.

When I think of my girls over the years, I realize I have dozens of stories like this  – and they make me laugh. But more importantly, I realize that every age is a blessing. When your children hits the pre-teen and teen years, you can’t help reflecting and longing for the toddler-in-diaper days when they were so little, cute and cuddly… and couldn’t talk back. You can’t help but to romanticize and/or erase the crying, the whining and the worrying in those early years.  The labor pains and late-night feedings fade into memories of warm hugs and constant giggles.

I guess that’s because the teen years challenge us in a different way and you’re never quite sure what to expect from day to day. We all know the quips about teenagers and how “awful” that stage is supposed to be.  I even had a colleague, the parent of a teen at the time, jokingly advise me to do whatever I could to keep my kids from growing up – even if it meant sitting on them to stunt their growth. I understand what she meant now.

But I’m not going out like that. I’m determined to have a good time with my growing girls. Aside from shopping and sharing clothes and jewelry, we’re at a place where we can have real girl talk and serious conversations.  I’m discovering they have a lot to say and a lot on their minds. And I’m loving it. It’s an amazing opportunity to offer support and get to know who they really are.

I’m working hard (and I hope you will too) to go against the grain and enjoy these years and every phase of parenting. Granted, it’s not easy because, well, they are teenagers and that means they are often self-absorbed, emotional and eclect. Just like we were.

Every day in my classroom I get an up-close, inside view of teenagers and their myriad personalities.  They are brilliant, opinionated, quirky, determined, thoughtful, caring, inquisitive, idealistic, mature, optimistic and endearing. I could go on. And, yes, I could make an equally long list of negative adjectives, but that’s been done enough.

Learning to appreciate the teen years is all a matter of mindset.  Don’t buy into the myth that they exist to drive you crazy, even if it seems true on any given day. The fact is they’re evolving and finding their place in the world.

As parents, we get to ride along and help them find it.

– Vanessa W. Snyder is a writer, National Board-certified teacher and mother of two daughters in Washington, D.C. The author of a new novel, “The Second First Lady,” and co-author of titles in the “50 Ways to Christ” series, she can be reached at vanessa@blackdoorventures.com.

Ms. Mom: Determined to Enjoy Every Stage is a post from: Heart & Soul